TWN PKS (a frustrating parody)

[Nightwane]

TWN PKS (or what really happened in a town where nobody is what they seem or claim to be and nothing that seems to actually be, really isn't just because they have good donuts and excellent coffee)


Episode 45: Zen Or The Skill to Eat A Donut

[Int. Day. Vale Pooper's room at the Great Northern Hotel]


VALE (speaking to his recorder): Diane, today i had a really fucked-up day. Those midgets keep jumping in and out of my room, dancing and shouting: "Listen! Listen! We know who killed Aura Plummer!" As if I cared! All i care about in this god-forsaken town are the dounts and the coffee. DELICIOUS! I feel orgies in my mouth only when i think about them...


[INT. Night. The Black Lodge]


[We see The Man From Another Place entering one of the rooms. He is dancing like he always does when he's horny. On a couch we see Aura Plummer, smoking some really bad cigarettes and playing something on her gameboy (obviously she's playing one of those Pokemon games 'cuz we all know what teenagers that do drugs and that are sexually unfullfilled can play: POKEMON GAMES...go figure!)]

THE MAN FROM ANOTHER PLACE: AAAAURA! AAAUURRAAA!!! (he keeps dancing) In 25 years, that game's gonna come back in style...

AURA (she keeps playing): SEX! DRUGS! SEX! JAMES! BOBBY! VALE! BOB! DAAAD! SEX! DRUGS! ROCK & ROLL!


[EXT. DAY. POLICE STATION]

[We see the sheriff lying on a wooden picnic table with a flower on his chest (actually there is no flower 'cuz this is a low-budget parody). Enter Vale Pooper.]

VALE: Hey..Sheriff...i gotta tell you that i had an instant orgasm when i tasted the new dog poop flavoured donuts. DELICIOUS!

SHERIFF: ...

VALE: What happened? You have a sore butt again? Or is this some local habit?

SHERIFF: It's a local habit. As local as raping the bears and as local as sex with random old women from the strip-club next to the local asylum.

VALE: I really should start getting accustomed to your habits...i've got all the time in the world for that...given the fact that we don't know who killed Aura Plummer. Have you spoken to her father today? Or he was at one of those homosexuals anonymous sessions again?

SHERIFF: ...

VALE: ...

SHERIFF: OH PUPPY COCK! I can't finish the ritual if you keep interrupting me! You mongrel! He's waitin' for you at his house this afternoon.

VALE: ...

SHERIFF: ...

VALE: ...

SHERIFF: Vale...what the hell are you doing?

VALE: I was trying to get accustomed to your habits...now i know there's nothing more relaxing than sitting around and gazing into nowhere while you're thinking about a naked donut woman with jam, chocolate, whipped cream and...instead of nipples...cherry filling. Oh sweeeeeet loooord!


[INT. Night. One Eyed Jack's]

JACQUES RENAULT: Gubble! Gubble! DRUGS! Gubble! Gubble! SEX!

BLACKIE: (high-quality whore trained in the arts of butt-spanking and nose-bleed stopping) Jacques, darling, honey, sugar-plum, honey-bun, poopy, doodoocaca, baby, love...raping Aura and Ronette Pulaski untill their bodily fluids popped out through their nose, eyes and mouth isn't enough for you?

JACQUES: Gubble! Gubble! NO!

BLACKIE: come on..take your stuff and go...before the cops show up and arrest us for gay midget porn piracy.


[INT. Black Lodge]


AURA: SEX! SEX! Hey midget-boy! Come here! I don't wanna go to hell unsatisfied! 'Cuz it seems that Vale is taking his time...

THE MAN FROM ANOTHER PLACE: NO! Aura...how should i put this? I'm...i'm...a virgin...i haven't had sex with a woman before...only with Bob...but he's wild and untamed and he always makes me his dirty little midget whore!

AURA: Oh poopy! VALE!!! WHERE ARE YOU?


[INT. House of Lee-lond Plummer, Aura's dad]


LEE-LOND (offering Vale a plate filled with donuts): Help yourself... PLEASE! I INSIST! I'M DYING! HELP YOURSELF!

VALE (a little freaked out, takes a bite out of a donut): Mmmmmmm! They're so good! You can't find these babies in the caffeteria! Mmmmmmm!

LEE-LOND: They're leftovers from Aura's funeral. Oh...my poor baby! We buried her two months ago...AND I STILL CAN'T FORGET HER! MY HAIR'S GONE WHITE! I'M IMPOTENT! I'M GAY! AND I HAVE WET DREAMS WITH DAVID LYNCH!

VALE: Oh...my...god! These are some deeeeelicious donuts...mmmm...it feels like 20 hard, black, muscled african-american [we can't use the term "nigger" 'cuz it's offensive] people are having a wild gang-bang in my mouth!...i feel so good...mmmm...

LEE-LOND: so....why did you come here, then?

VALE: Mmmmm...donuts...

LEE-LOND: Do you know who killed my daughter whose tragic death turned me into an impotent homosexual [we can't say "faggot" either 'cuz it's offensive as well] ?

VALE: Mmmm...donuts...


[EXT. Highway]

SHERIFF: [talking to the One-Armed Man] Darling..i think it's time to show the people our love...

THE ONE-ARMED MAN: Oh sugar-muffin...you make me so happy!But... won't it come as a shock to find out that you're banging one of the suspect's brains out?

SHERIFF: Not one suspect...more suspects [pulls out a photo album]. Look...this is doctor Jacoby when he loved leather and chains, this is Bobby Briggs when he loved to fool around in blue velvet and this is James...he still thinks he's a sweet transvestite from Transexual Transylvania.

THE ONE-ARMED MAN: No!!! I can't believe this! AY! ESTOY EMBARASADA! FERNANDO! NO ME PUEDES DEJAR ASI PORQUE ME VOY A QUITAR LA VIDA! COJONES! JODER! POLLA! TE QUIERO, FERNANDO! AY! MUJER! CARAMBA! SPEEDY GONZALES!

SHERIFF: Don't worry...you'll always be my favourite...you're the only one who lets me play with my power drill in his butt. you're special...

THE ONE-ARMED MAN: AY! ESTOY TAN CONTENTA!

SHERIFF: Now..let's go home 'cuz i'm in the mood for a really hard one-armed spanking...


[INT. Vale's Toilet. The Great Northern]

VALE: Dianeeeee...iiiii....iiii...iii caaan't take this anymooooore...I shouldn't...haaaave...eateeen all thoseeee two months old doooo...doooo...doooo...doooonutsssssss...

Next Week: EPISODE 32: Variations on Fellatios. (The Sheriff and Vale Pooper realise that the one armed man sometimes speaks spanish but they understand him anyway. The log lady proposes a bargain to Vale.)

[Gaandalf]

Looks like u got ur ass back on line that is...
me liked it very much from the very 1st draft... keeop postin' it... sau bir mail cu toata parodia.
Auzi ... ? Cat de lunga ai facut-o ?

[Nightwane]

pwahaha...this is an old topic ce chestie..am uitat complet de parodia asta. anyway. hai sa dezgrop topicul











l-am dezgropat.

[Longshot]

anyway. hai sa dezgrop topicul

like... :? why, dude?

[Gaandalf]

u need not ask ... why ....

Night! trebuia sa o postezi pe toata! De ce nu ai facut-o je ne sais pas!