Bancuri

[Cinemania]

Un ceh merge la oftalmolog care ii arata pe tabla literele: 'C Z W N O S T A X C Z'. -Poti sa citesti asta? il intreaba doctorul -Daca pot sa citesc? Chiar il cunosc pe tip!

[Supastar]

oooo da..... faptul ca bancul tau e cu un ceh makes all the difference! :hmm:

[lestatika_29]

definitia razbunarii: un bebelush cu un PITTBULL intre dinti....

sorry, pitt, pal... no offence... da e prea tare

[Nightwane]

PITBURG

[lestatika_29]

in vain, nightwane, tot PITTBULL ii voi zice... suna mai fioros....


on-topic
stire intr-un ziar local de provincie: "un elicopter s-a prabusit deasupra cimitirului. pana acum, politistii au recuperat 250 de cadavre"...

[Cinemania]

oooo da..... faptul ca bancul tau e cu un ceh makes all the difference! :hmm:

nu e bancul meu, Suparastar

[Supastar]

nu e bancul meu, Suparastar

dar care e diferenta dintre ala si cel pe care l-am postat eu cu 1sapt (sau mai putin) in urma? (la asta ma refeream)

[Cinemania]

dar care e diferenta dintre ala si cel pe care l-am postat eu cu 1sapt (sau mai putin) in urma? (la asta ma refeream)

aha...pai io pe vremea aia nu rasfoiam pe acolo

[Supastar]

oooo da..... faptul ca bancul tau e cu un ceh makes all the difference! :hmm:

aha...pai io pe vremea aia nu rasfoiam pe acolo

acu intelegi where i was hinting at?

[Cinemania]

but of course...mea culpa

[Terror_IST]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...

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"How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?" asked his father.

"Good," said Johnny. "The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn't get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the next day of school, he asked again.

"I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn't get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

"What's the matter, son?" asked Dad.

"Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I'm from Arkansas?"

"No, son," explained Dad. "That's because you're 18!"

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Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

[raptor]

lol. primele glume amuzante pe care am rabdare sa le citesc p-acilea. good'unz.

[Terror_IST]

Thanks! Din ce urmeaza ala cu irlandezul e pentru tine!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. You know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings... it's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

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Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

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One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"

"I jumped in that creek down the road."

"Why did you do that?"

"I don’t know."

His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm going to tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?"

"Yes dad," replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"

"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

His dad, being somewhat religious, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him, "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.'"

"Ok dad," replied the son.

The next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"

"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

[Terror_IST]

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[Supastar]

cia face un test pt agentii secreti de top. pe rand, ii pun intr-o camera unde gasesc un pistol pe masa si un biletel pe care scrie : "nevasta ta e in biroul de langa acesta. ia pistolul si impusc-o."
Intra primul, citeste biletul, sta putin, zice ca nu poate asa ceva si iese afara.
Intra al doilea, citeste biletul, ia pistolul in mana, se uita la el vreo 10 minute, dupa care il pune pe masa si iese din camera.
Intra al treilea. Citeste biletul, ia pistolul, se duce in biroul de langa. Se aud impuscaturi, urlete, bubuitori! Apoi se duce in camera unde erau inspectorii, plin de sange pe haine si zice: "Ba! care a pus gloante oarbe in pistolul asta? ca a trebuit sa o omor scaunul!"

[Herzeleid]

Sin x, cos x si e la x erau la un party. Sin x si cos x erau mega entuziasmati .... beau si dansau ca nebunii.... E la x statea singur pe un scaun intr-un colt ..... Dupa ce il observa, sin x si cos x se hotarasc sa se duca pe la el sa-i inveseleasca:
- Hai, ba , e la x distreaza si tu! Integreaza-te si tu cu noi!
Cu un oftat de zile mari, e la x raspunde:
- Mi-e totuna!

Na! care s-a prins?

e la x e imun la integrare si derivare.




In leg cu ala zis de Pitbull:

Stire în "Pravda":
'Ieri China a aruncat asupra Rusiei bomba atomica.
100.000 victime.'

Agentia China Nouä:
'Ieri, ca raspuns la bomba noastra atomica, rusii au aruncat asupra noastra bomba de cauciuc.
50.000.000 victime.
Bomba continua sa sara.'

[silver_boy]

ªtefan cel Mare Român (vb. lu Airlight) îi strânge pe oºteni înainte de bãtãlia de la podul înalt ºi le spune duios:
" -Bã nenorociþilor... sã nu dea dracu sã vã îmbãtaþi ca porcii ºi sã nu fiþi mâine la 8 pã câmpu de bãtalie...aþi înþeles???
... cã ne facem de cãcat faþã de oamenii ãia...


Douã blonde în deºert inchiriazã o cãmilã. Merg ce merg, pînã dau de o savanã. Gagicile se dau jos ºi se duc sã se rãcoreascã. Când se întorc cãmila, poola..dispãruse.Blonda 1 care era mai sperioasã din fire :
- Faaatã, ce ne facem?
- O sugem, ce sã facem...
se învârt astea disperate vreo juma de orã dupã cãmilã..pînã la urmã dau peste un beduin cu ochelari de soare, care se scobea în dinþi la umbra unui palmier:
-Nu vã supãraþi, n-aþi vãzut o cãmilã?
- poate am vãzut, poate n-am vãzut...
- zi domle dak ai vãzut sau nu...
- cum arãta cãmila?
astea debusolate..
- pãi..avea douã cocoaºe
- minunat... pãi toate cãmilele au douã cocoaºe ..alt indiciu nu puteþi sã-mi daþi???
Se gândesc astea stressate..
brusc, una din ele, " Gata, am gãsit...avea douã piz.de!
Beduinu, iºi ridicã tacticos ochelarii de soare, scoate paiu din gurã:
..Cum adicã, "avea douã piz.de"..???
"Pãi în timp ce mergeam prin deºert am dat peste doi beduini ºi unu s-a uitat cãtre noi, dupã care i-a zis ãluilalt :
Ia te uitã frate,...o cãmilã cu douã piz.de !!!

[raptor]

cica e de pe mess:

-Buna ziua!
- Buna ziua, domnule politist!
- Dumneata, tinere domn, pe gheata asta conduci cu 70 km pe ora? Vrei sa ajungi la spital?
- Da!
- Bravo, frumos raspuns! Esti smecher?
- Nu.Sunt doctor.

[drudu]

tot de pe mess (cam vechi, dar atat de potrivit):

Iti place sa fii mangaiat?
Sa fii atins? ??
Sa fii pipait?...
Sa fii incins?
Iti place respiratia celuilalt langa urechea ta?
Sa iti respire pe gat sau pe fata?
Iti place sa incerci pozitii noi?
Sa incepi rece si sa sfarsesti cald si transpirat?

Atunci foloseste RATB...

[apartamentu104]

Un naufragiat ajunge in jungla unde este inconjurat de un trib de canibali. Disperat, omul isi indreapta privirea spre cer si spune: - Doamne, sunt pierdut! Cerul se lumineaza deasupra lui, este invaluit de raze si se aude o voce de sus: - Fiul meu, nu esti inca pierdut. Ia o piatra si arunc-o in capul conducatorului lor. Omul ia o piatra si o arunca in capul sefului canibalilor. Vocea de sus: - Acum esti pierdut !