Bancuri

[raptor]

tot de pe mess (cam vechi, dar atat de potrivit):

Iti place sa fii mangaiat?
Sa fii atins? ??
Sa fii pipait?...
Sa fii incins?
Iti place respiratia celuilalt langa urechea ta?
Sa iti respire pe gat sau pe fata?
Iti place sa incerci pozitii noi?
Sa incepi rece si sa sfarsesti cald si transpirat?

Atunci foloseste RATB...

:lol: :lol: :lol:
.atit de adevarat, atit de adevarat...

[Cinemania]

Doi copii, un baiat si o fetita se certau. Fiecare se lauda cu ce ii cumparase ma-sa sau ta-su. El zicea ca are masinute, ea ca are papusi si tot asa.

La un moment dat el, nemaistiind cu ce sa se laude, isi scoate p*** si, mandru de el, spune: "Na, din asta chiar ca n-ai!"
Ea insa raspunde: "Da, dar peste 15 ani tu o sa ai tot una, pe cand eu o sa am cate vreau!"

[Cinemania]

2 italieni si o italianca
2 francezi si o frantuzoaica
2 nemti si o nemtoaica
2 englezi si o englezoaica
2 bulgari si o bulgaroaica
2 japonezi si o japoneza
2 chinezi si o chinezoaica
2 americani si o americanca
2 irlandezi si o irlandeza

O luna mai tarziu, pe aceasta minunata insula pustie se intamplasera urmatoarele lucruri:

1. Un italian l-a omorit pe celalalt italian pentru femeia italianca.
2. Cei doi barbati francezi traiesc impreuna cu frantuzoaica intr-un fericit menaje-a-trois.
3. Cei doi nemti au o programare saptaminala foarte stricta pentru vizitarea alternativa a nemtoaicei.
4. Cei doi englezi asteapta pe cineva care sa le-o prezinte pe englezoaica.
5. Cei doi bulgari s-au uitat lung la oceanul fara sfarsit iar unul din ei s-a uitat bine la bulgaroaica si apoi a inceput sa inoate.
6. Cei doi japonezi au trimis un fax la Tokyo si asteapta instructiunile.
7. Cei doi chinezi si-au deschis o farmacie/magazin de bauturi/restaurant/spalatorie si au lasat-o gravida pe chinezoaica ca sa le furnizeze angajati pentru magazine.
8. Cei doi americani se gandesc serios la sinucidere, pentru ca femeia americanca se tot plange de corpul ei, de adevarata natura a feminismului, cum ar putea si ea face tot ce fac ei, necesitatea implinirii, diviziunea egala a treburilor in casa, cum nisipul si palmierii o fac sa arate grasa, cum fostul ei prieten ii respecta tot timpul parerile si a tratat-o mult mai bine decat o trateaza ei si cum relatia cu mama ei se imbunatateste si cum in sfarsit taxele au scazut si nu mai ploua.
9. Cei doi irlandezi au impartit insula in Nord si Sud si au facut o distilerie. Ei nu-si amintesc daca mai era si o femeie pe acolo pentru ca totul devenea cam cetos dupa primii litrii de whiskey de nuca de cocos. In orice caz sunt satisfacuti pentru ca nici englezii nu se distreaza deloc.

[raptor]

.foarte nice 8)

si daca esti si matale din ardeal o sa apreciezi si matale(poate) bancu care urmeaza:

.2 ardeleni pe marginea unei strazi in cluj-n.
-Apãi mã, tu crezi cã io-þi pot traversa asta în 5 minute?
-Cã doarã nu eºti fuljer!

[Supastar]

pe asta il stiati:
Q: Cum latra un caine in ardeal?
A: No, amu, daca-i musai, no ham!

[raptor]

.no binie mã. dapãi cum sã nu-l ºtim, mã...tulai, cã uneori cred cã am auzît tãtie bancurile cu ardeleni care s-or fãcut, no. no, mã....aºe da.

[Cinemania]

bata-va sa va bata

[sfarma piatra]

Ion se intalneste cu un matematician, un economist si un contabil si-i intreaba: - Cat fac unu si cu unu? Matematicianul ii raspunde: - Exact doi. Economistul raspunde - Poate doi. Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta: - Cat vrei sa faca?


Am gasit ceva funny pe un site si mi s-a parut amuzant http://www.funzone.binarythunder.com/view_106.html Va las pe voi sa decideti.....

[Cinemania]

Iisus ii aduna pe apostoli. - Baieti, am aflat ca jos, pe Pamant, a aparut un nou viciu, care nu exista pe vremea noastra: drogurile. Asadar, inainte de a ne decide cu privire la acest viciu, ar trebui sa investigam putin problema. Prin urmare, duceti-va si aflati ce puteti. Pleaca apostolii, dupa vreo trei zile se aud batai in poarta raiului. - Cine e? - Sunt eu, Ioan, am adus ecstasy din Amsterdam! Mai trec 6 zile, iar batai in poarta. - Cine e? - Sunt eu, Petru, am adus cocaina din Columbia! Si tot asa, pana revin toti apostolii cu toate felurile de droguri din toate colturile lumii. Vreo 3 luni dupa. Din nou, batai in usa. -Cine e? -Sunt eu, Iuda, am adus FBI-ul

[drudu]

in aceeasi tema, tot e la moda sa iasa Iuda the good guy:
Iisus trebuia sã pregãteascã cina cea de tainã, dar n-avea bani. Îl cheamã pe Petru ºi-i spune:
„Petru, ai cumva 30 de arginþi?”.
„N-am, învãþãtorule”, spune Petru, „cã de când am lãsat meseria de pescar ºi am început sã te urmez, nu mai am nici o sursã de venit”. Iisus îl cheamã pe Matei.
„Ai cumva 30 de arginþi, Matei?”, întreabã Iisus.
„N-am, învãþãtorule”, vine rãspunsul, „cã am lãsat vama ºi te-am urmat ºi nu mai am nici un ban de atunci”. Iisus îi cheamã pe toþi ºi le pune aceeaºi întrebare, primind acelaºi rãspuns. La sfârºit îl cheamã ºi pe Iuda: „Ai cumva 30 de arginþi?”, întreabã Iisus cam fãrã speranþã.
„Învãþãtorule, n-am”, spune Iuda. ªi continuã: “Dar mi-a venit o idee...”

[Cinemania]

Un vierme catre prietena lui: - Daca nu te impaci cu mine, ma arunc in fata GAINII !!!

Gigi Becali la discoteca. O blonda il intreaba: "Dansati?". Gigi Becali: "Nu fa, asa merg eu baga-mi-as p**a in mata si in Dan Voiculescu!!!"

[silver_boy]

Gigi Becali la discoteca. O blonda il intreaba: "Dansati?". Gigi Becali: "Nu fa, asa merg eu baga-mi-as p**a in mata si in Dan Voiculescu!!!...

...Care-i problema? "

:lol: :lol: :lol: :love:

[Cinemania]

...economica...

[crin3l]

1 tip ... beat merge in drum spre casa .... la un mom dat trece pe langa un cimitir .... la poarta cimitirului 2 faceau sex cu o tipa .... asta se duce si le zice: baieti dupa voi urmez eu .... la care astia 2 : nici sa nu te gandesti, daca vrei si tu uite acolo e lopata, scoatetz alta

[Cinemania]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Cinemania]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[Supastar]

Oedip se intalneste cu Sisif:
O: - Muncim? muncim?
S: - S-o fu.ti pe ma-ta!

[raptor]

Metoda logica de vanat iepuri:
Materiale necesare:
O caramida, un morcov si un pumn de piper.

Mod de operare:
Te duci in padure si pui caramida intr-un loc deschis, unde poate fi observata cu usurinta. Peste caramida asezi morcovul, iar peste morcov presari piperul. Apoi, te ascunzi in desis. Iepurele vine, vede morcovul, da sa-l manance, inspira piperul, stranuta si se da cu capul de caramida.

[Terror_IST]

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is: Don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down, he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands. The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

.................................................. .................................................. ......

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time with the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air to sober himself up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He awoke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

.................................................. .................................................. ......

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stopped to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately, he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Oh my God! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replied, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

.................................................. .................................................. .......

One day a small lizard was walking through the forest. He smelled pot and looked up to find a koala bear sitting in a tree.
The little lizard looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"
The bear replied, "I'm getting high, come on up." So the lizard joined the bear in the tree.
They continued to smoke joint after joint until finally the little lizard said, "My mouth is dry like cotton."
The koala bear agreed and told the lizard to go down to the river and get a drink and in the meantime he would roll another joint.
The little lizard attempted to lean over to drink water from the river and was so stoned, he fell right in and started splashing around.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to help the lizard to shore. He said, "Lizard what is wrong with you?"
The lizard replied, "I've been getting stoned with the koala bear. I needed water and fell in the river."
The crocodile said, "I don't believe this. Take me to the tree you were in."
So they walked through the forest and they come to the tree where the koala bear was sitting. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looked down and said, "Holy crap dude, how much water did you drink?"

[sfarma piatra]

http://www.funzone.binarythunder.com/view_139.html o pisica care danseaza rock