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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Lord of the Rings: the forgotten diaries
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.
Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I
make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am
now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might
however have been blood loss.
Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He
thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet
on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm,
defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't
mean that....what?
Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by
Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.
Ooops.
Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved
right up his...
Stupid Ring.
Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying
to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.
Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little
things, too...
In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to
my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy
git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of
time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must
admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little
cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day 35:
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS
Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam
gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so
wonderful.
Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am
assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.
Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad
move.
Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn
on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy
wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Day 24 :
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to
find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but
she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,
Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave
her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me
a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is
not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor
other parts.
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Right?
Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am
fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving,
as Boromir quite huge.
Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those
platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite
fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet
quite a turn-on.
Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
Day One:
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or
was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came
along?
Day Two:
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.
Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad
either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Day Three:
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve:
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody
tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown
probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen :
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good
for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen :
Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen :
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were
not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay
you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen :
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving
Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond
getting annoyed.
Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able
to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have
agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a
bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One:
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're
not serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three :
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry
Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about
on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five :
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still
angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six:
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven:
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to
tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged
in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant
third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not
laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend
with Sauron. Ha!
HE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN
DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have
asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without
being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous.
Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky
and conditioned.
DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What
WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't
even grow decent beards.
DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring
hottie elf fiancèe in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather
breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneli
ness.
Later.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin
will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and
poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about 'our relationship.'
DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the
mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided
just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in
his trousers. That's right, Isildur's Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly,
these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin
Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred
to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks.
Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on
rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of
Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does
not bear thinking about if not.
DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas
then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all
that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-
up for illicit spanking games.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and
Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy
,
just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for
everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn.
Cannot much tell difference with elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely.
Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot
get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating
Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight.
Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus
Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow
some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important
mission
- gold ring so tacky.
Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate
all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow
insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid
I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a
spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500
years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same
look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used
her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one
strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by far.
Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam
will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.
Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as
already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself
"Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have
super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by
Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows
around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
Cannot understand it.
Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each
other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can
see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.
Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One:
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it
would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?
Day Three:
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.
Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty
clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one.
Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite
enough, Samwise Gamgee.
Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.
Day Four:
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five:
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at all.
*sulk*
Day Six:
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to
why his fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven:
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.
Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.
Day Eight:
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.
Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my
Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with
small men in shorts.
Day Nine:
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will
kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten:
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn
every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later
about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young
hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.
Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
Ick.
Day Fifteen:
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr.
Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference
would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on
stilts.
Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two:
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere
water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as
get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three:
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying
to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know
that's a big fib don't we.
Day Twenty-Four:
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs
cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well
as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren
wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK
DAY ONE
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a
nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed
by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly
familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After
he found one that was just the right shape, too.
DAY TWO
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly
sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking
me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
DAY THREE
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas
seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I
admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like
pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
DAY SEVEN
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed
his hair. Is really starting to bother me.
DAY NINE
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go
for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of
Gondor. Can't wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon
armies of the West?
Apparently not.
V. educational, all the same.
DAY ELEVEN
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir
cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git
with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn
obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries
anything.
DAY THIRTEEN
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus explaining
why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.
DAY FOURTEEN
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship,
Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from
Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off
to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.
DAY FIFTEEN
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath.
Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things
than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have
nightmares for weeks.
DAY SIXTEEN
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.
DAY TWENTY
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course,
Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the
time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
DAY THIRTY
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got
himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says
we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking
forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
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15 Aug 2005, 16:29
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